Dear damn dairy,

I was dreaming again. I was coming back from school, the smell of lunch she was cooking literary filled out the stairways and the whole building I could smell it from parking. I was dying from hunger. I went in and she was there, in the kitchen, she was happy and good and we talked, I sat on the table and watched her making food ready. we had lunch together and she told me, "Don't be lazy, eat! Why don't you eat food? Cook something and eat even when I wasn't there", I knew she was talking about the reality. I don't remember after I just remember she hugged me tight n said "I love you" and I said "I love you too" and everything slowly disappeared. I was awake.

Mom, I love you so much, Although you are free now but still you prefer to watch over me, my diet. advicing me and mothering me. Although we are apart but you are still a mother and I'm still a baby who needs you. Thank you that every night you come into my dreams and remind me that you are there for real and you see me for real and you know everything about me for real and you help me, still. I'm so happy that I have you like this but simolteniosly I wanna cry for that there is no one in the world I miss this much. If the world would end in 5 minutes you were definetly the ine person I would want to be with, you never leave me alone.

I know I should go back to sleep but I wanna cook right now. You know how impulsive I can be. I just follow what my heart says to follow.

پ.ن: پیش به سوی سبزی کوکو، امیدوارم به خوشمزگی غذای تو بشه. امیدوارم هرغذایی که درست میکنم مثل غذای تو بشه. اونیکی ها که دست پختاشون افتضااااااااااحه! امیدوارم من به تو کشیده باشم. :)))

Ps. The whole cooking project on 4:00 am was a complete success. It turned out to be awesommmmmme.

My dear damn dairy,

Finished a play, and was thinking about starting a story. I was thinking about it and it got a bit personal, I asked me a question that clears lots of things. A question about someone, someone spacial. Off course someone beside my family, I know that my father has someone, my sistrs have their own. Is the anybody currently from the people that are actually in my life and I want him to be there on that crutial time? Like the earth would explode in 5 minutes, whom would I like to spend that 5 minutes with? Whom would I wished to be with, whom would I be worried about? Whom I wouldn't care and Whom would I regret not being with?

If today was the day that the world ends, do I have that one person that I wouldn't feel lonely with in the last moments? 

No. I don't.

Ps. I know how to choose now. If I ever wanted to pick one for life, I will ask me this very simple question and if the answer was yes, that's the one.

پ.ن: دلیلیست ز این تاخیرها، خدا راست برنامه ای بهتر.

My dear damn dairy,

My life is amazing. I know sometimes how hard it can get but still my life is so amazing. I like it, I like what it made out of me. I like the mysterious ways it has to take me into, the advanture it forces me to take. I like my life, we have so many disagreements but still it gave me what I wanted. I remember when I was a kid, I wanted my life to be different, I wanted much more of what they've got planned and here I am. It's wierd, that I'm saying it, after all the difficulties I went througb but I should thank my life, no one could change me to what I am now from what I was before but my life. I like the simple, peaceful life I have now, I like how the days pass and how I transfer. I love the indipendency I've got.

I realised how amazing is my life. How free and strong I am. how much vanity I own, how now I can straight my neck up, look at problems in the eyes, giving a dirty look at it and say "screw you, I do you too"

I'm so proud of my life, I'm a girl in her 20s and I rule. Indipendency is a hell of awesome feeling, you can really look down to others and say "you bitches are miles behind me." I can look up and say "I'm gonna conquer you all, wait and see."

I was made out of crystal, I shattered into million pieces and I couldn't put those pieces together. So I left it there and I made a new me, a one piece me all from velarenium. Yeah, I don't bend, I don't break. Now I can be cocky, now I have tasted the taste of real life, I'm no more a mama's boy, I am no more a piece of meat that other people walk, talk, and live in her place.

After all these the most amazing spactacular fact is that, I'm still me. I'm still the same old headstrong, tempered, proud, stupid, crazy wierdo baby Girl I was, even more, but something is different in me now. Something like a shield is wrapped me up, I feel like a knight, a conqueror, a comander. I have my own mind, my own will of fire, my own vanity and my own freedome. I rock.

Dear damn dairly,

I have nothing on my mind to say now and I have absolutely no control over my mind in the morning and I slept so damn wel, my mind can fly now. So completely irrelevant:

Jews believe, men stand in a spot that dictances five miles from God in one direction and Five miles from Devil in another direction. If it was true, I would have been falling sleep on that very spot.

Ps. Two things: first, it is feels nice n heart-tickler when u behind those lit candles appear on my screen suddenly. Second, I wanna u to know that love is not a reason to tolerate disrespect. 

Dear damn dairy,

My collective friends record reads like a who's who of human crap!

I hate my friends. I mean I hate them. And I am as nice as fuck so it means when I say I hate someone, that dude deserves it. But now, I kinda hate them all. The old gang, school girls, university bitches, gym guys... ooooowww I hate them to my bones and arrows. My mom was always right, my friends are a pack of human craps.

Nothing had happend, I just am sick of them, sick of their lives, their thoughts, their everything. Dudes are okay they know their place and if they wanna move further than their real position, I kick them there. But indeed I cannot bare girls anymore. 

I was just dreaming my mom in sleep, and she was telling me in the dream that "your friends are just..." the same old when she was alive had been telling me for so long. I woke up with her voice in my head. "You're friends are no friend" since then I'm thinking why should I keep such creatures? She was right, she was always right. Why should I bare those who make me sick?

Okay. A decision has been made. I am no longer with those who make me sick, whether they are old friends, university gigs, or anyone else I don't care. It's not my damn responsibility to keep human craps in my life when I simply don't like what they are. That's it. Its an early morning decision. I will just keep people who worth to be kept in my life. 

What a relief, I was worried about university because I had to face all those damn guys I cannot bare and now I know what to do. My first steps to act on this decision: I'll become the solo loner vanity fair devil who just leave the band alone. Class, study, no more fucking university friend. No more talking bulshit girls, no more bitches with no attitude, no more firends. That's it.

I mean I won't be rude to them, I'll just behave them like acquaintances and no more.

Ps. Saat hanoz 12 nashode va man dar hale margam az khastegi.

Dear damn dairy;

Postponing the travel constantly. I cannot make my mind. life is damn hard cause we have to make damn hard decisions. The weather is getting cold slowly, and I like it. It's freezing in the morning sometimes. The fridge is absolutely empty, so I can be sure I won't eat. Diet, exercise and the hunger. I work less these days, I write more, I laugh less, I walk more, I eat less, I sleep more, I talk less, I think more, I see less and I miss more. In a word, "no moderation".

I try to focus on the thing that matters less, like what dress should I buy so with no everyday argues I can pass the bloody hounds at the gates of the school. Or what bag pack is more suited for my shoulders, how many grams of calory I eat or can I just stop eating everything but ice creams? Or thinking about buying a tv and put it in front of my bed to watch scary movies which I hate or sad movies  and eating ice cream in my sweatpants.  I think about not important matters like they are important and I try to forget the rest. 

I do stupid things, I started crying when a sad scenes comes in a movie, I never could cry for the saddest movies but now even when Braian died in family  guy and I knew that stewie would bring him back to life with time mechine, I cried my eyes out. I laugh at stupid things too, I can laugh at a cup for 10 minutes. I tweet stupid thing thet no one understand their meaning. I google stupid things and read stupid thing. I just need tons of stupid things to wash away all these grown up life styles away. I wanna be stupid again. 

Ps. If you read it; You are a jerk for real. An ass! Do not doubt on this for that it is what you are. I made my point clearly last week and you bitch again  have done it? I dare you... I dare you...

Dear damn diary,

A new screenplay. My first serious screenplay is composing. Too soon to judge but finally another old idea has come to get shape.

I'm so stressed out these days and writting may help to think and feel better. I'm... less than a week to schools n it's just killing me, it's torture going back there. I'm not nagging but I liked it better if time would stop and wouldn't go forward, so I had all the times in the world. Frankly, day by day, as each day goes by, I am more scared of everything. I am scared of every single second that's ahead of me and is yet to come. I wasn't such coward before. But now... 

Everything scares me so easily, I'm like a shivering pussy. the worst part is that beforehand nobody knew how scared I was, I had a brave face. But now it's like everybody knows. I just need a closet to go inside and hide, like when I was a kid. I don't know which one I'm more afraid of, the monster inside the closet or the monsters outside of it. 

Give me a break you damn life. Give me a break and you decide in my place. 

_{Dear damn online diary;}

_{First of all, it's the 258 th day of the year. And second, Crisis alarm. Severe crisis.}

I can manage it, I have always done so. Just have to think and see all the possibilites. Every problem has a hidden perfect solution just to be found. Problems are just like puzzles, there is always a way to win. and I'm good at both puzzle solving n winning. 

I've done much more difficult math, this shouldn't be that difficult to face.

I woke up. U are not yet. Was just crowling in bed n thinking. About us. U n me. N so suddenly I miss the hell out of that time, when it was just you n me n no one else. A memory found his way out to my mind, I remembered the time when we were studying for the exams at the park, n your parents place was empty due to the renewing. we spent the early night at Faraz n we went back to that empty house so late, slept on a blanket. It is literary the symbol of simplicity for me. Such a simple time it was, not this complicated. Not this difficult. 

I always thought I'm good with the words n talking but now that I look back, I see I'm so late, I was so late manytimes. Sometimes I wanna talk but I don't know how to put the damn words together, not to feel regret after, so I wait n wait n wait till it's too late.

Tonight I just wanted to say things, but again I didn't know how to say them. I just hope that u won't forget me for another week, I just hope that you stick, that you worth me trying this hard. I hope that you would understand that, again it hurted when I realised why u couldn't show all the picture of k1's birthday to me. I hoped u could say that thing another time so I could reply. I hoped that I could be sleeping like you right now. I hoped that the damn morning would never come.

Interesting point I found out today, ummm, its yesterday actually. Anyway I got something. If your attitude can hurt me, mine can kill you. I am that capable. 

Anyway, Nothing new. my tweeter account had a major crush today, oh damn, yesterday, I have to get my new passport by the weekend, afew days to get ready for the school, the fucking diet is killing me, and the world is just upside down.

If I were addicted whose giving up her addiction, I would be clear by now. 

Count down, from the top. 

Why should I wake up in the middle of night, when I'm dead tired of the day, while I finally slept two hours ago after two days of nonstop awakness, and should start thinking so seriously about u big big great jack ass?

A math I can't do.

Life is a fucking box of chocolate, you never know what you're gonna get. ;)

That's the only sentence that comes to my unlimmited, tireless mind. For now. Fucking busy day is ahead n I haven't slept at all. 

Ps. I think I have disagreements on the definition of the word "Bitch" with everyone else.

I have something in my mind to say with an unbelievable aftermath.

Tomorrow ain't promised to no man.

There's hard time in the end. 

Hemingway 

Emotional Stability. 

I, myself if decide to be emotionally stable for Halloween this year, No one will even recognise me.

But still I, think some should be more stable. Be stable, be like me. :)))

I feel so satble compared to you.

My fridge broke.

Deep below the Earth, Worm dreams of having more space. There's not much room down there.

Above, Bird waits, through sun and rain and wind.

As the day goes on, will they both find what they are looking for?

I don't need one to wish me to be happy "again" or to be strong"er". I don't need one to tell me good days are coming. I don't need pitty shits, I don't need these shitty stuff. There was a time, I believed so many things. Hope, happiness, faith. There was a time I used to believe in sentemces like, "It's gonna be alright", "It's gonna be fine", "happy days are yet to come", "I'll be stronger". N I enjoyed when someone gave me shits like these. I believed them but not anymore. Now I believe in myself.

For so long I punished myself for believing nonsenses, for being naive and trusting stupid sentences that ppl just say n believe  them to calm n fool themselves. Now I believe in this sentence; "The facts, The truth, The logic" 

I believe in all I am. No good days are to come, nothing will be better than before n no magic is going to happen. I'm gonna be nither stronger than what I am now, nor weaker. And happiness? I think when you live a life like me, no happiness will make you that happy and no sadness will break you that much. Hope? I advice almost everyone to have hope, to have faith. But I don't blindly have it or let it in.

I always wellcome the truth n say no to sweat bullshits. 

Indeed to tired to write. I'm gonna sleep in an blink of eye. 

The first sentence that comes to my mind? 

"No matter what we do, there is no runway."

You think they love you but, they would be a thousand times more concerned about a slight headache of their own than they would about the news of your death or mine. 

Dale Carnegie.

You may see me struggle, but you will never see me quit.

We know nothing, not even a tad. I just know that I was brought here. I was brought here, in today, in this moment, as I am, as it is. I was brought without me even knowing it. It's like I've opend my eyes n found myself in here. I'm sure what carried us here, will carry us to somewhere in tomorrow.

I want to confess that It's not fair. 

It's not fair to love someone n see him go away. It's not fair still loving him. It's just not fair to repeat to yourself that "He will be never yours again, so just use the time, little times you can be with him before he's completely gone." It's just not fair to be in love with someone this much n knowing he is unreachable. It's not fair to see the one you love making his life in front of your eyes when you can do nothing but sit, watch and die slowly. It's not fair that life doesn't give second chances. It's not fair that you know you will never be happy again without that one. It's not fair to say goodbye. It's not fair seeing him happy, it's not fair wishing him to be happy, it's not fair pretending you're okay with all these when you are not.
Really do you want to know what's not fair? It's not fair that I should think about my faults everyday and count them. That I think about me not being perfect. It's not fair that I have to compare me to her, to anyone else. I... I wished I was wealthy, I wished my mom would be alive n live with my dad like lovers, I wished we all lived in our house, n everyone saw us the successful family like we used to be. I wished I was younger like she is, I wished I wasn't so bad n crazy. I wished I was a decent good girl. I wish I was peaceful n could give peace n calmness, I wish I could go to medical school when I was accepted, I wish I was short, not this much tall, I wish I was more beautiful, more charming, more powerful n strong, I wish I had crowded familly, I wish I was such girl, so I could be accepted.

I wish I was more perfect. But I am not and no matter how much everyday I repeat all these to myself, I will never be that n it's not fair. It's not fair that I am not that image. It's not fair that I cannot have one thing I love beacuse I'm not even close to that image. No matter how successful I get, no matter how much I try to be perfect, no matter how much I pray o wish, I cannot be that and it's enough to kill me slowly.
It's not fair and I don't know why. I don't know why my life didn't go so well. Why I couldn't be a simple girl who sees someone n just marry him without all those dramas I had. I don't know why but I wish I could be that. I wish time could go backward n everything could change. I just know that it's not fair that all I can have is his painting n someone else can have him. Some other girl that has no idea she has the man that some other girl in the city has killed herself to have him, but she never can.

These all are not fair. I don't see how happy I am, how much good people I have around, I don't see how incredible I may look in the eyes of other, I don't see anything good in me anymore. All I just see is that I am fucking not enough to have him. And that kills me.
I have repeated all these every seconds of my past one year. Everyday, every morning, every night when I success in something, when I first saw my published name, when I wrote my story or rented my own house, when i did all those other thing, I wasn't happy. I was thinking, "still you are not enough n you will never be"

I think of these all every second of my life, I'm hunted by these thoughts n I was just to proud to confess them. I didn't say any of this to anyone untill now, instead I tried to show me strong n smile n hide all these l, but... here it is.
Here is why I'm not happy. I bIame for not being enough, I blame my mom for dying, for my dad's remarriage, for loosing our wealth, for leaving me. I blame everything n everybody for what I am n for What I am not.
Out side me, I show myself like a statue, I show myself perfect, I show me like "look at what I am and what I have" but insife, but here is what inside. "Not being enough"
It's not fair.