I want to confess that It's not fair. 

It's not fair to love someone n see him go away. It's not fair still loving him. It's just not fair to repeat to yourself that "He will be never yours again, so just use the time, little times you can be with him before he's completely gone." It's just not fair to be in love with someone this much n knowing he is unreachable. It's not fair to see the one you love making his life in front of your eyes when you can do nothing but sit, watch and die slowly. It's not fair that life doesn't give second chances. It's not fair that you know you will never be happy again without that one. It's not fair to say goodbye. It's not fair seeing him happy, it's not fair wishing him to be happy, it's not fair pretending you're okay with all these when you are not.
Really do you want to know what's not fair? It's not fair that I should think about my faults everyday and count them. That I think about me not being perfect. It's not fair that I have to compare me to her, to anyone else. I... I wished I was wealthy, I wished my mom would be alive n live with my dad like lovers, I wished we all lived in our house, n everyone saw us the successful family like we used to be. I wished I was younger like she is, I wished I wasn't so bad n crazy. I wished I was a decent good girl. I wish I was peaceful n could give peace n calmness, I wish I could go to medical school when I was accepted, I wish I was short, not this much tall, I wish I was more beautiful, more charming, more powerful n strong, I wish I had crowded familly, I wish I was such girl, so I could be accepted.

I wish I was more perfect. But I am not and no matter how much everyday I repeat all these to myself, I will never be that n it's not fair. It's not fair that I am not that image. It's not fair that I cannot have one thing I love beacuse I'm not even close to that image. No matter how successful I get, no matter how much I try to be perfect, no matter how much I pray o wish, I cannot be that and it's enough to kill me slowly.
It's not fair and I don't know why. I don't know why my life didn't go so well. Why I couldn't be a simple girl who sees someone n just marry him without all those dramas I had. I don't know why but I wish I could be that. I wish time could go backward n everything could change. I just know that it's not fair that all I can have is his painting n someone else can have him. Some other girl that has no idea she has the man that some other girl in the city has killed herself to have him, but she never can.

These all are not fair. I don't see how happy I am, how much good people I have around, I don't see how incredible I may look in the eyes of other, I don't see anything good in me anymore. All I just see is that I am fucking not enough to have him. And that kills me.
I have repeated all these every seconds of my past one year. Everyday, every morning, every night when I success in something, when I first saw my published name, when I wrote my story or rented my own house, when i did all those other thing, I wasn't happy. I was thinking, "still you are not enough n you will never be"

I think of these all every second of my life, I'm hunted by these thoughts n I was just to proud to confess them. I didn't say any of this to anyone untill now, instead I tried to show me strong n smile n hide all these l, but... here it is.
Here is why I'm not happy. I bIame for not being enough, I blame my mom for dying, for my dad's remarriage, for loosing our wealth, for leaving me. I blame everything n everybody for what I am n for What I am not.
Out side me, I show myself like a statue, I show myself perfect, I show me like "look at what I am and what I have" but insife, but here is what inside. "Not being enough"
It's not fair.