So tired.

My big huge important scary lecture tomorrow at 8.

Wiiiiiiiiichhhhhhhhh meeeeeee luuuuuuuuuckkkkkkk

Well, I'm back! Not that I'm going to stay, just wanted to show up.

Indeed busy, I'm that busy with everything that I dont have time to be sad! That surprised me afew days ago. 

You fit into me like a hook into an eye,

a fish hook, an open eye.

I slept like 12 hours. If u just imagined how tired I was. 

Urrrrgh, at 4. I cannot believe it. At 4.

N I really dont want to see him, but at 4. I dont want to, indeed but at 4.

Its cold, isnt it?

I am scared, pull yourself together you fucking scary.

I have almost done everything in my life, what to be scared about? Whatever is left, I shall try.

At 4.

I want to sleeep more. That I might do as I was pleased if I could sleep after 12 hours after all.

Nope, no  mental or psychological cohearence, nothing. My mind's a mess. 

Shift delete

Shift delete

Shift delete

Shift delete

Shift delete

I only keep whatever that is necessary to be kept, the rest, shift delete.

Get high and listen to thisn shit while driving. Nothing more.

Mommy, can I go out and kill tonight?
I feel, I feel like taking a life.
Please, I wanna seal the kitchen knife
And feel, feel like taking a life.

Daddy, can I go and haunt tonight
Like you do on Sunday mornings.
Honey, give me a real gentle knife
To feel, feel like taking my life.
Mommy, daddy, please let me go

Hey.

I just realised why I havnt been my best afew past days.

The lecture went all well, at the end all were apluses and congrats and everything, and my next lecture which is much more difficult on post modernism endless worlds' closure is delayed for one more week so the more time I get , the better would be the result. 

Apart from this, well surrounded by men which I absolutely cannot love. I just cannot! I dont even ask why, the feeling the hormunes, what ever it is that should be charging in my brain or pouring, well doesnt and I cannot feel love even for a sec so, nothing new on the rmotional level.

Still a bit down listing Iall I have losg and couldnt adaped with the idea andlet me see what's more, what's more. Nothing that much, nothing that much that I'd have the patience to recite. I go out, I'm adapting this habit of cafe-sitting with firends but it's just talking.

I dont even in the mood to take pictures. I meanI guess I have lost tge will to live. :))) not that I havnt been loosing it before? Right?

Anyway. Ummm nothing special. I'm off.

I still cannot say what I have been longing to say. I will die unsaid.

Today, my big lecture. I havent slept at all and I need some but there is no time at all. 

I dont wanna talk about anything, just the day after tomorow is my lecture's due date.

Everynight, there is few minutes when I lie down in the dark, smoke a cigarate, listen to a song and think. I dont know to be proud that among all the craziness life force to us, I still think for a moment or two or to kill myself because of the torture the thinking applies to me.
Life is more difficult that nI thought it would be when I was a child or a teen. I believe people are capable of change. 50 percent. That's it. If somebody does want to change and tries to to its best can change up to 50 percent, not more. There is always 50 percent of us that nev er changes, not to better not to worse.
To be frank, I, aside from all the happy things, am sad. when I look back and watch all things that I have lost, I feel empty. I lost so many important things, many things I miss and they just pop in my head everyday. It can be something as small as a pink bottle or as big as my family. No matter how much important they were, I miss them the same, the pain is the same. The pain of loosing something dear never goes away, never heals. I just hid it, concealit under my smiles. Not that I am the best concealer , no. The frowns, showlder shruggings, lying down in the darks, they all are leaks. I leak andmy sadness appears.
But the world's so big, all my sadness blends with all the smiles and tears and nobody never realises what happened behind that little frown of mine.

Round, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning, like a snowball down the mountain or a carnaval ballon, Like a tonel that you folow to a tonel of its own, down the hall to a cabin where the sun never shown, like a door that keeps revolving in a half forgotten dream, like a circle that you find in the windmills of you mind.

I'fine. I'm not fine, not at all but I guess I will be. Frankly I am a bit tired and out raged, I am eating fire and I dont know when or where I will trow all the fire up and be just an active volcano. I... 

Nope. Not a single drop. I cannot expose my anger.

Yeah. I had a melt down today! I melted deep so terribly down that the remaining is nothing. I am sitting here. So terribly shocked, rediculed and small. I do feel small, well another thieves has stolen another thing from me. Shouldnt I be use to this? Isnt it the story of my life? Thieves stoling things from me? Robbing me all the time and leave me even smaler each time?
Believe me I am small enough now to sit here and confess being small.
I cried not alot compared to past me being robbed, more than others still. I dont know how much more lemonade I can make with all the lemons life's being giving to me.
I'm empty, no I'm full. I am filled with nothingness, loosing and missing. Shall I go on? Can I go on? Ow common, I have had the worse but isnt it the worst?
I asked for some chocolate and yet here it is more lemons, more paper, more poison. I am cold all the time, it's like shivering so hard I cannot feel my hands, arms.
Here it is a curtain of tears fill my eyes and... no matter who is there I feel amone and now? Even more.
I lost something precious to me today, can I go back in time to save it, To save me? I wish I could.
I wonder till when it's gonna last? Terrible fates are inovitable. Right. One day you will stand there, somebody will come and steal your whole existance, your whole being and no matter how loudly you scream and ask for help, your life is gone. It's over.
I miss things, I lost one more time. Okay destiney, you win. I was the Hemingway hero, defeated but not destroyed. What if I confess that I am destroyed, what would you do? Would you live me alone? Can it end please? Can you feed all these lemons to somebody else? A fresh hero, full of himself? Can you? Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you're gonna get. But there is a fact, the chocolate box. Yesterday I said, it's a mixed chocolate box and now I take it back. It all the same, it's either dark or milky. Mine? I find more lemons in that damn box as time goes by.

As crazy as it was, the day is gone and gave up all its being to another at_first_mighty day. Can't sleep. Tomorrow is going to be much more crazy than it was. 

I'm a bit shaky and cold and was thinking what to wear for tomorrow. Right, it's not all philosophy, I've got an outside look to think about as well. 

A nice sunny Wednesday morning and I  head to university. All in pink, top to toe.  Listening to forever for now and almost close to Vanaq square. I have a sadness hidden in me although I so seem happy.

Hi,

Just stand still, right now, free your mind out of any thoughts. Now with ur mind eyes pook at all people around you, see them? Look how they move in their lives. Watch them how fast they move in a circle that you stand right in the middle, it's like breakimg the time and going slow motion while the rest still crazed with speed. Now light a smoke and stay there. I dont know why but it feels differently. I do this everytime this spinning this high speed circle make me dizzy.

Well nothing speciall if u ask me. Life is unbelievably too much often. What is rare is, is something I even capable of calling a name for it. Maybe new spirit? Change to better off course. 

I love serious men. Yes, I hate the clown laughing all the time jocking doing some stupid shit all the time dudes. Serious men, that's what I fall for. Grown ups, older than me men, maybe because I have father issues! How did ot came up? :))))

Anyway, there's something  wanna talk about but I really dont want so that's why I wrie with such incoherencey lately. Everytime I try to bury sth in me and not talk about it at all whatever I write is sooooooo shattered I dont even take them.

Anyway, anyway anyway, it's killing me. I woooooont talk about it. That is final.

Hey, _{just came home. I'm lying on the bed smokimg. Rough hours.}

It's like a big wave of air is sounding in my ears. It's abit cold but... the smoke in the dark goes up infront of the light my screen lits. Well if you want to know I've had better nights. I should have stayed at home. Have you ever said this? It' salmost a minute i'm staring at the screen aithout writing anything. My mind is full of thoughts. 

I need a break. I need a time out. A moment of steadiness. I wont go back from my word anyway, I wont check anything. I wont check any profipe, any account. I wont check on things. It's been alooooong time and I am done with that and I will sod the temptation. That's it, one less problem at the time. I need to focus on my lectures and essay and study. 

I will stay home this week and the next one untill I am fully covered the essays. 

Okay, I dont like changes, thats who I am. I dont like to have new neighbours, I dont like to to start things, relations, I think it's idotic to pile up aloooot of stuff when none of them are completely resolved. That's who I am. Call it ocd or whatever u want I cannot let things left unresolved. I absolutely have no problem on emotional life range. I'm talking about family stuff, no, old stuff. Urrrgh none of them, I dont know what has preoccupied my mind. 

Maybe I meed to under think right now. I miss things but I dont let me to miss them. I want to calm down. I dont know what it is. A sudden ruch of hormones to my brain?

Me amd sis had an argue over the stupidest stupidest thing ever, it seemed like I coudnt understand her no shod did understand me so...

Well, anyway, I dont know what the people do in eest of the country with all the earthquake and the cold, God help them. Although...

Nothing. No coherence here in my thoughts. I better go.

Have you ever waled under tue rlshower rain and the yellowed trees of Vanak in the most beautiful autumn you've ever seen while lostenimg to gonna be 500 miles and feel deeply happy? No? It's a loss if you havent.

I still listen to this song, I still walk and fill my lungs with fresh rainy air and smile. I still survey this coty umder my steps and still will love. I still think about naming my son Andre and listen to this song all the time with him. (if I ever mature enough to mother a child) Yes I still will have a child, the thing is tjat the only thing that differs os that you are not the father.

I still cry, O still laigh, I still enjoy every word O read or write, I still will be me, even a hunder years later when my bones turn to dust and ashes, that doesnt matter, I still enjoy a smoke late in the night or under the rain, I still walk I still talk and I still will be here.

Dear damn diary,

I can recall my first period. It was horrible, although I was quite older than the age my firends had firstly experienced it, yet it was so terrifying to me. I remember I stayed at home that day, stayed in my room n didn't talk the whole day, untill my honey eye sis came home, came to my room and sat beside me and talked to me but still it was unbearable to me, so I burst into cry and after that long silence I said, "I don't wanna grow up." I repeat it over and over again butthe magic spell had casted and I was force into adulthood, the very cautionary steps into adulthood which no one could or can ever return from. Sin talked to me and made me come to some sense. I dont remember what she told me, I just remember I didn't want to grow up. I cried because I finally knew there is nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do, and there is no turning back. Feeling the force of life. Maybe because I felt how this grown up world is complicated and rough to deal and confront with. I still cannot accept the forces of life upon me and that's who I am.

What a day, what a night! What a rain, what a dream, what a life and yet I feel guilty. So guilty.

I dont wanna hold a trial to convict myself but it's what I feel. I'm sleepy and a new week is waiting for me to begin. Shall I smoke, on the way, as the rain hit on the front window of car I promised myself to smoke asap n now I'm too tired to do so. But I wil right now. 

Okay, I lit one, the main questions. Am I in love definitely not. am I happy? Absolutely yes.

I can see better now, I can tgink better now. I can develop to better now, and that is the truth. I'm not sorry, I am not i. Love with any man or woman right now. I dont know what future might bring to me but not now. That doesn't mean I cannot ... any way. Let's get some sleep. Night.