Dear damn diary,

I can recall my first period. It was horrible, although I was quite older than the age my firends had firstly experienced it, yet it was so terrifying to me. I remember I stayed at home that day, stayed in my room n didn't talk the whole day, untill my honey eye sis came home, came to my room and sat beside me and talked to me but still it was unbearable to me, so I burst into cry and after that long silence I said, "I don't wanna grow up." I repeat it over and over again butthe magic spell had casted and I was force into adulthood, the very cautionary steps into adulthood which no one could or can ever return from. Sin talked to me and made me come to some sense. I dont remember what she told me, I just remember I didn't want to grow up. I cried because I finally knew there is nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do, and there is no turning back. Feeling the force of life. Maybe because I felt how this grown up world is complicated and rough to deal and confront with. I still cannot accept the forces of life upon me and that's who I am.

What a day, what a night! What a rain, what a dream, what a life and yet I feel guilty. So guilty.

I dont wanna hold a trial to convict myself but it's what I feel. I'm sleepy and a new week is waiting for me to begin. Shall I smoke, on the way, as the rain hit on the front window of car I promised myself to smoke asap n now I'm too tired to do so. But I wil right now. 

Okay, I lit one, the main questions. Am I in love definitely not. am I happy? Absolutely yes.

I can see better now, I can tgink better now. I can develop to better now, and that is the truth. I'm not sorry, I am not i. Love with any man or woman right now. I dont know what future might bring to me but not now. That doesn't mean I cannot ... any way. Let's get some sleep. Night.