Days after days,

You will understand,

Wherever someone is still thinking of you, that place is your home.

Let me tell you something. 

When I was rlworking on my project, with feminism approach, I found sth called women in love. From the moment I realised I belomg to this group but, I thought it would work for every love. I thought it would work if you love your siblimgs, your children, you parents, your heloved one.

I was misteken. There is only one love that rums such women. You see I put on my make up. I get dressed but when I'm going out, that doesnt fit. I dont put on make up or clothes perfectly for anyone. I could do it just for one love. And now, when I do so...

It's like you're solving a math problem with ur usual process but the answer they show you is totally different. It doesnt fit.

Is it love anyway? No. I dont feel good even when he comes to my dreams... I guess it's just geeting used to somebody. A habit nothing more. A missing feeling for what is lost.

Anyway it was my decision and I'm keeping up with it. The fucked up stories, the damn things he did just made it easier.

Aunt Irma's here finally. Fuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuu.

I was scared to death. Toooooooo death. I was fucking 25 days late.

Thank God and fuck you as hard as possible.

My third, second post today? 

I'm hammered. Wasted. Like always, sitting here, sipping my bear. Eye contacts.

I will. I will go to that tent. O will go there and I will do it three perfect times. Just for you to know I can. I always could, I didnt want to.

But now... screw us all. Cheers old friend.

I took these pills not because that relation ended. It's been month that that relation had ened for me. I have decided long ago that it goes nowhere.
I took thoes pills because I must have. Because I found every move I have done in my life was wrong, every decision I made made me fall deeper and deeper. Because I found I have made a wrong life. A fake one. I took those pills not because of betrayal of one person, betrayal of all. All the lies I heard from sides, all the hypocrisy, all the carelessness from everyone. All the madness every each of people in my life has shown. I took thoes pills because I saw how parents close their eyes on what their children do. Because I saw how the whole time I was on a hanger.
I took thoes pills because I see no honour, no value nither in me nor in any of people around me. People claiming love me, care for me.
No. I took thoese pills because I didn't want to see any of these people anymore.

Because I believed in a fake certain person. I believed in his fake life. And I made a fake life based on his existence.

Off roading doesnt make me stop thinking. Yes that was my fault I think alot. Like it was a harakiri. Like Japanese samurai who does so because of theor mistake, because of their honor.

First family dinner.

It was tense but fine. I'm getting used to eat dinner outside in open air. Tomorrow morning we will hit the road together. It's a weird after all this time but I'll be fine. I wanna sleep now.

Ps. I hope he dies.

I cannot sleep. I hope he dies and dies with pain.

I'm not fine.

I'm not fine.

My heart is exploding. I came out, sit behind the desk, everybody's sleeping inside, I wanna scream cry. I wanna burst into tears. I wanna kill myself, I wanna kill myself. I wish my heart would stop that day. I wish it would stop and end there. I cannot go on. I show as If I can but I cannot. I look at everything and see that basterd, hear him, I hate him, I hate letting him ruin my life for so long. I hate letting him in. Fuck him, fuck his parents fuck his whole family. They all are a bunch of whores and pimps and sons of bitches. Fuck them all from their oldest to their youngest. 

Fuck that son of a bitch. I'm out of cursts but I wanna curse him so bad. He is a faggot, a maggot. A whore man like his brotuer like his father like his mother like his sister like his whore grandfather, lile his whole whore family.

I wish them die.

They are a filthy family who just waste the air by breathing. A pig family in their own shit pretending to be happy. A pig family in a shit house think is the best family in a castle but at the end they all are pigs living in their own shit, eatimg their own shit. 

Enough being nice with pigs, slaughter them and let them know they are nothing but animals who just fuck and breed. They are a family from nowhere who came to this city but still they are just a bunch of peasants. Peasants who have brought up their children as whores and bitches and fuckers and faggots. These people should be burned alive coz they just waste the air and they smell like shit coz it is what they really build up by.

I'm surrounded with people who actually care about me. They are not selfish basterds who come to me after a week and talk bulshit about economic. I'm surrounded by people who ask how I feel, How I do, if I'm really okay, people who care about me. People care what do I eat, how I sleep, if I have pain or not. The real people not ghosts.

Yes that's the difference between people you shiuld keep in your life and people you should throw out like garbage.

And yet, my heart's exploding of sadness and darkness.

I hope that certain person knows, I wish him die. I wish him die with pain and suffering as he suffered me. I wish him be miserable as he is. I wish his actual death as his mother always wished.

I'm searching for a house. I have to move. I search everyday, every website. I haven't been at home since that day.

I dont speak of it but the heartache has got worse. Cannot sleep because of pain. It come and goes. 

He's coming back and I dont know if it's intentionaly or just out of sudden. I cant think of it straightly.

Why did I do that? Why did I close every possibilities, closed every door... because I want another life. Yes sometimes you make a decision out of logic and reason but in the last moment the feeling, emotins comes with all his might to make you step on what you have decided but... be logolic again. I made this decision. I made it. I made it because I couldnt stand that life, that relation anymore. It was torture. It was useless, fruitless.

Sometimes we should cut it offf no matter how dear it is to us. 

My heart almost burst, I almost d8ed, stil my heart has a lower heart beat than normal, the las week almost killed me. It daged my heart more than anytime else. 

It didn't worth it, my heart can't take anything like this anymore.

To be frank, there's still something frightening me. I'm 15 days late. I take pills, I took a test which I ruined it, I hope, I wish I back to my regular period coz I cannot handdle more drama. I hope aunt irma visits soon.

I dont know what happened. Everything's blurry. I can talk here with no one hearing me out. I dont know how on earth two people can not work like this. This time it's for sure. This time,Somebody, named sina is dead to me. He is dead.

Headache.

It doesn't go away, the heartache... i don know what is this pain but somethi g has gone wrong with my heart.

Went out for the dinner, played poker the night. Won the game. I dont know why if I'm this lucky I had such bad luck in life and people in my life.

Frankly my dear, I'm over. I'm over with people bothered me. New peaple have already came, new is always better.

My baby shot me down, 

n

I hit the ground.

My baby shot me down, 

n

I hit the ground.

I'll be fine.

This heartache either kills me or make me stronger.

But I know something, every posibility, every door possible is closed. I closed it.

The night I spent in hospital.

It's 4 28 and all kimd of wires aee hanging off me. Monitors wich beep every amd each second amd I should not use my phone.

God I feel sick, dizzy

دارم با خودم فکر میکنم من چه گناهی تو زندگی کردم. سه سال پیش همین موقع بود که از بیمارستان اومدیم خونه. درست مثل الان توی اتاق تاریک روی تخت دراز کشیده بودم و داشتم از ترس میمردم. ساعت سه و پنج دقیقه گوشیم زنگ خورد. جمشید داشت گریه میکرد. محسن رو بیدار کردم و بعد هم فاطمه رو. بهش چیزی نگفتم. حتی نمیتونستم نفس بکشم. مامان رفته بود. الانم نمیتونم نفس بکشم. سینه ام تنگ شده. دلم میخواد بشینم و زار بزنم. به حال همه چیز زار بزنم. به حال اینکه مامان آخرش حتی اسمم رو یادش نمی اومد. به حال اینکه باهام حرف نزد و رفت. به حال اشتباهام.

اما امشب دارم با همه حرف میزنم. با هر کسی که اون بیرونه. با مامان، اگه خدایی هست با اون، با همه.

مگه چقدر اذییتت کردم که اینطوری اهت دنبالمه مامان؟ چی کار کردم که مستحق این قدر عذاب کشیدنم؟ اگه خدایی اون بالا هست جواب بده. چی کار کردم من؟ اینقدر ادم بدی ام؟ اینقدر که اینجوری باید عذاب بکشم؟ اخه لعنیها به زندگی من نگاه کنین. چی دیگه برام مونده؟ چشمتونو باز کنین... چی مونده برام؟ تو این چند سال از این خونه رفتم اون خونه، همه جا یه مدتی بودم و بعد یه جای دیگه. بدون مامان. بدون بابا... خواهرم مسافرت میره اما یه سر بهم نمیزنه، همش بهانه. چی برام مونده؟ دو تا خواهر که هیچکدوم از روز و شب و دردم خبر ندارن؟ چیزی برم مونده که بازم نفرینت اینطوری دنبالمه مامان؟ بیا بقیه اش رو هم بگیر. تو که تا اینجاش رو گرفتی ازم. بقیه اش رو هم بگیر. بیاد خودم بقیه اش رو بهت بدم. 

من با چنگ و دندون زندگیم رو نگه داشتم. با چنگ و دندون روزامو میگذرونم. با چنگ و دندون هرچیزی برام باقی موند رو نگه داشتم. اما همه مثل یه گله گرگ ریختن رو سر من و انگار دنیا هیچ هدفی نداره جز اینکه همه چیزمو بگیره ازم. باشه بگیرین. مال خودتون. نه غرور برام بزارین، نه خانواده. نه امید نه آرزو، نه خونه، نه کسی که دوستش داشته باشم، نه کسی که. دوستم داشته باشه. همه رو بگیرید. زندگیم رو هم بگیرید. اگه این رو میخواین مال شما... نمیخوامش.

بهم نگاه کن. به گودی زیر چشمام نگاه کن. به اینکه غذا از گلوم پایین نمیره نگاه کن. نگاه کن چطوری روزو شب میکنم. نگاه کن چقدر تنهام. نگاه کن چطوری به مامان و بابای دیگران نگاه میکنم. نگاه کن چطوری به بچه هاشون نگاه میکنم. نگاه کن چطوری به صدای خنده دیگران گوش میدم. نگاه کن وقتی تو خیابون راه میرم چقدر سرم پایینه. اره من همونیم که گردنم رو دراز میکردم و راه میرفتم. نگاه کن چقدر بیخوابم. نگاه کن هرشب چطور همه ی غصه هام رو ردیف میکنم جلوم و باهاشون حرف میزنم. نگاه کن چقدر درمونده ی یه بغل خشک و خالی ام. نگاه کن چقدر تشنه ی یه دوستت دارم دروغی ام. نگاه کن دیگه. ببین ازم چی ساختی. چند ساله سکوت کردم. چند ساله صدام در نمیاد. چندساله که دارم میسوزم. خوبی؟ راحتی؟ خوشی الان؟ بقیه اش رو هم بگیر. هرچیزی که میتونی رو ازم بگیر. اگه هم دیدی نمیتونی ایراد نداره خودم بهت میدمشون.

این خونه ای که توشم رو بگیر ازم. سلامتیم رو هم میخوای؟ اونم بگیر. دیگه چی برام مونده که روش چشم داشته باشی؟ همش مال تو. همه چیزمو ازم گرفتی. نمیدونم چی هستی، کی هستی. کجایی... ولی همه چیزمو ازم گرفتی.  خودت خسته نشدی؟ خودت دلت نمیسوزه؟ خودت وقتی میبینیم خجالت نمیکشی؟ عیب نداره. آه بچه یتیم میگیره دیگه نه؟ امیدوارم تک تک دردایی که کشیدم رو بکشی. امیدوارم به اندازه قطره قره اشکی که ریختم اشک بریزی. امیدوارم همونقدری که از دست دادم از دست بدی. 

مامان حلالت نمیکنم. بابا حلالت نمیکنم. خواهر عزیزم حلالت نمیکنم. ادمی که پنج سال از همه کسم بیشتر دوستت داشتم حلالت نمیکنم. کسایی که درد گذاشتید روی دردام حلالتون نمیکنم. خدایا تو رو هم حلال نمیکنم. این آه من باشه دنبال همه تون. همه تون رو اذیت کردم ولی ده برابر بیشترش رو سرم اوردید.بس نیست؟ تا کجا میخواین ادامه بدین؟ اگه سر قبرم وایستین راضی میشین؟ همه شماهایی که ادعا داشتین دوستم دارین؟ 

تروخدا بس نیست؟ بس نیست این همه عذابم دادین؟ مامانی که ولم کردی و رفتی و هنوز از دستم ناراحتی، بابایی که ولم کردی و رفتی و حتی حام رو نپرسیدی، خواهری که باهام حرف هم نمیزنی صد سال یه بار، آقایی که خودت میدونی باهام چی کار کردی، خودت میدونی چطور روزگارم رو سیاه کردی، بس نیست؟ خیلی نامردین. وقتی میخواین انتقام بگیرین چشماتون رو باز کنین. ببینین دارین از کی انتقام میگیرین. من همینجوری به زانو در اومدم لعنتیا. من همینجوری نابود شدم. هیچی برام نمونده. نه اینده ای مونده نه گذشته ای. نه خونه ای نه خونواده ای. من همینجوری تنها ترین ادم روی زمینم. من همنجوری تنم پر از زخمه. من همینجوری دلم پر از درده. چرا با من این کارا رو کردین؟مگه من چی کار کردم؟ 

خیلی بی انصافین. دیگه زورم به هیچکدومتون نمیرسه. فقط واگذرتون میکنم به همین شب. واگذارتون میکنم به تمام دردایی که کشیدم. واگذارتون میکنم به تک تک اشکایی که ریختم. واگذارتون میکنم به تک تک شبایی که بیدار موندم و یه گوشه نشستم و گریه کردم.

من بچه پونزده ساله نیستم که غصه ای بخورم که بقیه بهش میخندن. من ادمیم که همه چیزشو از دست داده. ادمیم کا حتی نصف دردایی که کشیده رو هم نکشیدی. 

اگه میخوای اینقدر عذابم بدی بگیر این زندگی رو. بگیرش. دیگه چیزی برای از دست دادن ندارم. من مامانی ندارم که گوشی رو بردارم و بهش زنگ بزنم و از دست دنیا بنالم. بابایی ندارم که وقتی یکی اذیتم کنه بیاد و حقم رو بگیره. خواهری ندارم که دردمو بهش بگم، مردی بالای سرم نیست که جای تمام این کسایی که ندارم رو پر کنه. من هیچی ندارم. من هیچ کس رو ندارم. خودمم و خودم. بگیرش. دیگه نمیخوام. هر کاری کردی سکوت کردم. هر چیزی رو ازم گرفتی ساکت موندم و ریختم توی خودم. نگاه کن. الانم هیچکس رو ندارم که برم این حرفا رو بهش بزنم. همه رفتن. 

برام ارزشی نداره این زندگی. من هرچیزی که دوست داشتم رو از دست دادم. بفیه اش هم مال تو... هر کسی سهمش رو برداره و بره. هر چی ازم موند هم میمونه و خوراک کرم ها میشه.

کمرم رو شکستین...

Happy birthday day.

Lovimg someone, can be so annoying.

Mom.
I was happy today, kinda. I was busy doing my things, last night the night before that, all the nights WHEN i sleep I dream you. Last night I hugged you, I hugged you so tight...
Mom, I just saw you brown hand bag. Your favourite one. I opened it. It was like always. Everything tidy like u used to put them. Ur purse the one I bought for you for mothers day, the picture of us in there, your money, just like how u used to fold them, it smells like you, still. There was your handkerchief, the one you sew it. The brown woden comb I bought for myself but gave it to you. There was all the cards we gave you in every mothers day, new years day. Birthdays... there was your brown shoes. The one we bought together. The dirt was there, under it. U have walked with them. You glassess, the adobe stone in that green bag for when you prayed...
Mom I'm sorry but after three years I cannot help, I couldnt help not crying. Yeah I was alone and i cryed my eyes out, so loud, like the day I sat on the balcony I held your slippers in my hands and I cried.
Three years and your little girl's still crying over her mama. I miss you mom. Come back. I wamt nothing else. I promise. I swear to god I want nothing else for the rest of mylife. Come back I wamt my mama.when I cried you used to come to my room amd hugged me. Mom why dont you come now? Why did you leave me? I WAS bad but you didnt have the right to leave me in this mad world alone. I was your baby girl. The one couldnt sleep without you, the one who always cling to your clothes. Mom it wasnt fair to give up on me so soon. I made a mistake but you should have give me a second chance you shouldnt leave me. God I want my mom back. She was the only one who could take care of me. I need my mom.

Mom.
I was happy today, kinda. I was busy doing my things, last night the night before that, all the nights WHEN i sleep I dream you. Last night I hugged you, I hugged you so tight...
Mom, I just saw you brown hand bag. Your favourite one. I opened it. It was like always. Everything tidy like u used to put them. Ur purse the one I bought for you for mothers day, the picture of us in there, your money, just like how u used to fold them, it smells like you, still. There was your handkerchief, the one you sew it. The brown woden comb I bought for myself but gave it to you. There was all the cards we gave you in every mothers day, new years day. Birthdays... there was your brown shoes. The one we bought together. The dirt was there, under it. U have walked with them. You glassess, the adobe stone in that green bag for when you prayed...
Mom I'm sorry but after three years I cannot help, I couldnt help not crying. Yeah I was alone and i cryed my eyes out, so loud, like the day I sat on the balcony I held your slippers in my hands and I cried.
Three years and your little girl's still crying over her mama. I miss you mom. Come back. I wamt nothing else. I promise. I swear to god I want nothing else for the rest of mylife. Come back I wamt my mama.when I cried you used to come to my room amd hugged me. Mom why dont you come now? Why did you leave me? I WAS bad but you didnt have the right to leave me in this mad world alone. I was your baby girl. The one couldnt sleep without you, the one who always cling to your clothes. Mom it wasnt fair to give up on me so soon. I made a mistake but you should have give me a second chance you shouldnt leave me. God I want my mom back. She was the only one who could take care of me. I need my mom.

Just got back home. Haven't been here for few days, a new neighbour? I dont know. And I couldn't care less.

I just got home but I do not remember how on earth I got here. It's like the whole way, I was in another world... something like day dreaming, talking in my head all the time.

For real, if u wanna know, I'm... I don know anymore.

What is love? Yes love ends... everybody's love ends. To be frank I have never seen somebody better than me in loving somhlebody. I think I know the true meaning of love. Those who I loved, I loved them more than me. I would sacrifice everything to them, I would give my life to them and yet none of them knew the meaning of love or knew how to love...

But. But.

But.

There's no one left anymore. 

Get mh mind busy, get my body busy.

The weather os awesome outside here. Awesome. It rained a bit. Sitting here, talkimg, laughing, recallimg memories.

Afiyat bashe. It's fine. I'm fine. I live my life. Still cant eat alot but I try. I like the gang, it's nice being with them again. I can sit, tale a sip of my drink, smoke in the air laugh amd talk. I can be funny again, make them laugh, laugh at them... it's not nonsence at all. It's not bullshits at all, it's peace and quiet. It's nice. Nobody's syltupid here, nobody says any idiotic things, the funny things are genuinely funny, no one fake laugh.

I've missed this. 

Dear damn diary,

Hey, it's not easy for me. It's not easy at all.

I'm sure it will be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I'm sure it would be more painfull than ever, that ever pain I have ever endorsed. But I have to do this. I cannot keep on like this. I cannot...

I know I will lose the only one thing I actually love but I have lost that long ago... I have just cling to that so tight.

You can't cling to the past, because no matter how tightly you hold on, it's already gone.

I cannot see that's gone.

 

I should be happy but I'm not.

There is a heavy jeavy heay thing on my chest not alowing me to breath. I... I am tired of every single person around me. 

It's pile they mever get tired of annoy me, botjer me and make le more detached.

I'm done with the guys. I mean it. At least for now, and I guess for a long time. When you want to go into a relationship or be committed, let somebody in your heart or step inside somebody's heart, tale your time for them, take their time... you have to have some empty space inside you. You should share a part of yourself with them. You should be ablale to share.

I'm not. Now, in these graves hours of my life, I dont have enough of me to share with somebody. I don't have enough me. 

I'm not lookimg for anything anymore. Yeah you can call ot surrendering up, giving up, letting something else win and withdrawing the game. Yeah you can call ot losing.

You can call it wjayever you want. I'm out of everybody. I'm out of every far fetched wish, I... I'm not grieving, maybe I am, not for anybody esle.  For myself and this moment of my life.

I had so many pains in my life. But in this moment the pain I feel is more than all thoes pains together times a million.

Last night, was a sucky night. I could have choose another path in my life, I got dressed, I sat in the sofa... sat there and stared at the door toward me. Would I pass through it? Would I go and start another game, tale another road I had already known how it would end? How I would end it?

No. Not anymore. I couldn't make me to open the door and step sloutside. I couldn't make myself to leave my not-not-so-safe-place-safe place. 

It's wonderful to be me and so much painfull at the same time...

I don't know why but, so suddenly all the dreams have flown away, and I'm here in a dreamless life. The dream of being me, makeing a house, makimg a family, the dream of a baby, a quite and peacefull life, the dream of rebuilding my familly making it bigger. I lost them. The dream of mylife has died.

28 days ago something happened that I said I got fucked up with it. Knowbody knows how I got fucked up. That night when I came back home, all sick, all devastated, I layed on my bed and I let everything go. I let every single hope go away, I let every dream die. I let the future I made myself fade away. 28 days ago I put down everything and walked away. And since then as every moment passes, I leave something new and go on. 

That's why I say the pain of this moment is a million times more than all the pain I have ever endorsed, it's because at this very moment, I'm out of any love, any dream, any wish, any dreams, any prospect, any purpose... I'm out of anything. Out of anything that is needed to go on over the second after, the year after this one, the decade after...

It means...

Chilli cheese sucks.

Sucks.