I should be happy but I'm not.

There is a heavy jeavy heay thing on my chest not alowing me to breath. I... I am tired of every single person around me. 

It's pile they mever get tired of annoy me, botjer me and make le more detached.

I'm done with the guys. I mean it. At least for now, and I guess for a long time. When you want to go into a relationship or be committed, let somebody in your heart or step inside somebody's heart, tale your time for them, take their time... you have to have some empty space inside you. You should share a part of yourself with them. You should be ablale to share.

I'm not. Now, in these graves hours of my life, I dont have enough of me to share with somebody. I don't have enough me. 

I'm not lookimg for anything anymore. Yeah you can call ot surrendering up, giving up, letting something else win and withdrawing the game. Yeah you can call ot losing.

You can call it wjayever you want. I'm out of everybody. I'm out of every far fetched wish, I... I'm not grieving, maybe I am, not for anybody esle.  For myself and this moment of my life.

I had so many pains in my life. But in this moment the pain I feel is more than all thoes pains together times a million.

Last night, was a sucky night. I could have choose another path in my life, I got dressed, I sat in the sofa... sat there and stared at the door toward me. Would I pass through it? Would I go and start another game, tale another road I had already known how it would end? How I would end it?

No. Not anymore. I couldn't make me to open the door and step sloutside. I couldn't make myself to leave my not-not-so-safe-place-safe place. 

It's wonderful to be me and so much painfull at the same time...

I don't know why but, so suddenly all the dreams have flown away, and I'm here in a dreamless life. The dream of being me, makeing a house, makimg a family, the dream of a baby, a quite and peacefull life, the dream of rebuilding my familly making it bigger. I lost them. The dream of mylife has died.

28 days ago something happened that I said I got fucked up with it. Knowbody knows how I got fucked up. That night when I came back home, all sick, all devastated, I layed on my bed and I let everything go. I let every single hope go away, I let every dream die. I let the future I made myself fade away. 28 days ago I put down everything and walked away. And since then as every moment passes, I leave something new and go on. 

That's why I say the pain of this moment is a million times more than all the pain I have ever endorsed, it's because at this very moment, I'm out of any love, any dream, any wish, any dreams, any prospect, any purpose... I'm out of anything. Out of anything that is needed to go on over the second after, the year after this one, the decade after...

It means...