Okay I don wanna miss here to! But it's hard to remember your diary when everything's goid!

University has officially begun, but whaaaaaaaat an amaziiiiiiing semester it is that has startet with holidays? Sorry MA! Next week. 

Gooooood new realms of pleasure. 😁

I'm literally having fun as it means!

Ow I'm still working on my new novel. I love it. About world war two, the time I adore the most. Enjooooooying the september weather. It's amaziiiiing out here. Amazing amazing amazing. I dont wanna come back! 

Well living life to the fullest.  I dont need phone or anything near me. Just my laptop for the time I wanna write and else is marvellous. 

It was fun. Went out, went shopping like old times, tested perfumes like old times. N I cannot smile when I think he put the perfume taster infront 9f my nose egery time to smell amd say wether 8t was a good 9ne 9r bad one.

He's a quiet 0ers9n most 9f the time but we laughed alot t9night, like nothing has ever happened. At dinner I noticed his gaze. 8 can tell he still has feelings.

A week to MA. Only a week to a whole new life.

Do u believe in it? Do u believe that our lives can be changed only in an 8nstant moment? When the m9ment's gone y9u see your whole life has changed and well u cannot undo s9me changes.

Yeah, there are some regrets, but I have a calm.life right now that I won't change it with a world. Small hapinesses! That's what I prefer to have. A  calm man by my side, not a stupid boy.

I wanna live life to the fullest, only once. I d9nt want magic anymore. I d9nt wamt love. I d9nt want passion. I want this. Being perfect in imperfections. 

Frankly, I missed him. How calm he was, how gentle he was. How thoughtful he was. I dont know why, I dont remember why I rejected him anymore. Now it seems just fit. Everything I want. 

What is it? Why I feel like this? I feel like I have gone back home. It's familiar, and how can I out it? It's safe, warm, happy. No bad thought, no comparison, no memory can get in now. It fits. Have I changed? Have my feelings totally changed?

What is it? Now I like him more. I never gave him a chance, n n9w I realise what a stupid I was. I never give him a chamce to see h9w good he is. He fure sure is the smartest person I have ever known n mayne He had guessed it in advance.

The family, I feel it again. The poison is gwtting out of my system n I feel more alive. I wanna build my life 9nce again and this time I do 8t right. This time I promise me to o it right. No fooling myself with diallusions. Real life. 

He's here again. Right now. After all this time. Once more.

I... I rltry t9 be charming.

Okay I'm dead tired so I'm gonna  use key words.

Helloooooo MA. Officially became an MA student and i'm gonna rock it.

I am the devil himslef I could fuck someone over. I mean ruolin his life. I mean make him cryyyyyyyyy today but I have a devine side too. Yeah my devine side told me not to do that n I wasn't sure. I told him (the daddy) and he said, "give back that kid's toy baby girl." N I said okayyyyy u pain in the arss. Btw I kinda like it that he calls me baby girl.

He is here. I mean he. HE. and he is here. I wont say more.

I'm gonnnnnnaaaa rock the MA. Annnnnnd baby girl night night.

I dooooooooooooooooooont knowwwwwwwwwwww

I doooooooooooooooooooooooooont know

I doooooooooooooooooooont know

Stop bithering me stupid mind. Right or wrong I did it. I made a decision so stop bothering me. Stop it and let me sleep. Stop it please! I made a decision n at the time it felt right I dont wanna hear you constant doubts every second. U're killing me my stupid brain. Stop it. Stop it.

U just give me panic attack. I'm happy and happy and happy then you come with your stupid thoughts and doubts and questions and fears an then you ruin my happiness. Just leave me be happy. Leave me be. Stop it.

Do you want to scare away me? Do you want me to go back of my word? My decision? I won't. I fucking wooooooooooont.

Tomorrow I'll go to a new university, I should be happy if you let! Wont you let me be happy until I undo and unsaid what I have done and said? Won't you? You ass.

Fuck you brain. Okay, I will. Fuck you that everytime you scare me away like this. You win stupid brain. You win. Now let me sleep. I'll do what you want tomorrow. Happy now? 

I hate surprises. I dont know what is this big surprise thing n it's killing me. First there's a big surprise for me being accepted in MA, which includes a big gift that all I know about is that it's a big gift and then there is this second surprisewhich I know nothing about and it's killing meeeeeeeeeewwwe.

Urrrrghhhhhhh. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I wanna know tell me you basterds😂😂

So much new.

I still cannot believe it quite so. It feels weird. So much new. I'm a bit stressed out. Not in bad way, in an exciting, butterfly in the stomach way!

I don't know! I mean what is with the stupid smile on ur face. Pull urself together. :))

O God, I'm sooooooo busy these days, I cannot find a moment to think. 

O dear God.

Too much is happening and frankly I'm a bit afraid and a lot stressed out. I don know. I'm so stressed out my heart starts to pain again. And the fun n trips actually make it alot better but not when I'm alone. Too much shopping these days. The MA is near and I am thrilled about it. Other stuff too. I don't wanna think about them. Not today, maybe tomorrow. After all tomorrow is another day.

I should reschedule a lot. I dont know my classes, as soon as I know them I can reschedule my other classes or jym or pool or the other events I don wanna think about right now.

O dearGod, my dress is ready. I brought it home the other day n it's amazing. It's Austrian and beautiful but I didn't try it on, I hid it behind other clothes so I cannot see it for now. Yeah! Nice solution. :))))

I should go to the old university tomorrow n I sall go to the new one on Wednesday. So! Everyone else is trying to make everything easier to me so I should thank them real good afterwards.

My heart. Damn it. I should relax, it's a lot but I can handle them. It's "good" alot not "bad" alot. 

I can. I'm happy, and nothing else matters.

Everything, I'm comin' for ya!

O dear God.

I'm accepted. Here in Tehran in an excellent university the field I love. I'm going for MA. I am going foooooor MA.

Actually after I got tue news we went out and had a super supper, yeah he's right I rock. Thank you God. Thank you after all I deserved it right?

I'm super happy. When I saw the acceptance I just couldn't believe my eyes. I took an screenshot and e-mailed it to almost everyone. 

Life's good again. Without the drama source life is good again. Buddha says at the end three things matter, first how much you l9ved. Second how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meand for you. 

I almost have problem in all but I will work on them. :)

I am super happy now sooooo triggered I d9n wanna ruin it

 I wanna dance dance dance all the night. 

I cannot sleep.

What shall I do?

Shall I go for it?

What shall I do?

It's driving me crazy. O Goooohod. I think about it tomorrow. After 2 am Just go to sleep.

I just got home.

I may or may not have done somethimg tonight. What is it? I woke up and sat to think. Then I decided to give me a perfect night. So I went shopping bought some splendid undearwears, came back, ordered food, candles, music, everything... but... but but. Yes this but goes around my head since morning. But would I?  

Finally I called the girl and told her to come, talked to him. They faced eachother, indeed it was awkward but she has no idea we've got something between us. She knows I'm his friend. I sat, keeping myself busy choosing the music. Then I left. So simple.

I went somewhere, and looked at a window for a while. 

I dont know if I did the right thing or not. I had the chance to hook up with one of people I am actually attracted to and he's been in love with me for so long but would I walk on that path again?

I know she's in love with him.I dont wanna do that to her. When I was choosing the songs, I played every single song I knew that would make me screem cry n I was sure it could soften their heart for eachother. I smiled. I dont say I'm a hero. No it was so painful but I think after all I can burden a bit of sadness and give someone some happiness is not that hard to take. I saw it in her eyes. She was happy. I guess it worth it.

What is this nonsense? I'm tired, that's why I cannot move. For almost five years I put every ounce of my power on one thing and I failed. My body still hurts. I  just know that I don't wanna be like "him" I dont wanna run away from lonliness to people I know they could hurt me more than lonliness or hurt people by things I do just not to be lonely. I dont wanna be in love. I dont wanna be impulsive. For almost 5 years I have nothing but being impulsive and it ruined my enough. Seriously enough of that. 

I wanna be free of anybody or any emotion. I wanna go bungeejumping again. I wanna go swimming, go deep under the water and just face this fear of mine. I wanna go to the mountains, I wanna live as I want without being impulsive. I dont want a rebound. I just want to live without getting hurt by someone I grow emotions for.

"He" almost killed me more than once. I wanna set myself free of this spell, this curse. I dont know if I'm right or not. I just know it wasnt the right way if I stayed there. 

I wanna sleep coz I'm dead tired. 

If I'm not dead... you know everyone says I should be dead. I SHOULD. I MUST,  if I'm not it means there's something I should do. There's a thing in the world I should fullfill. I dont know what is that, I have no idea but I know I cannot leave the life untill it's done. I wish I knew what is it.

I am confused yeah. So confused but believe me, I'm trying to find the right way. 

Awwwwww. Shit, I feel good. :)))

I mean fuckkkkkkkk. I feel good. Ahhhhhhhhh! :)))

Have I found a new realm of pleasure? Looooolllll! :)))

I hope I feel this good after I wake up! Hahahaha :)))

It's been days that l haven't been at home. The weather's awesome. Cool and fresh. I actually have wrapped myself up with a blanket and I'm still shaking. 

2 packs out of six packs are complete. I also made the frame too. Working out like crazy, running like the Satanis chasing me and swimming. I guess these has made my body still running. No so great with food. I taste everything but only tasting and not eating.

I have lost tons of weight, all my clothes have become loosen.

Tonight's sky is cloudy n I can see the cloudsmoving so fast across the sky n over the ful moon so fast. The wind. It does all the work. If I would be a natural phenomenon, I'd choose to be the wind.

Anyway, everybody's sleeping and I'm here again, awake shaking from cold. Does the gone people think about us?

Dreams are bothersome. I cannot control them. Have no control over my dreams. I wish I had. My that's why I dont like to sleep. Yeah, coz  I cannot handdle more drama in my dreams. Why they dont leave me alone in my dreams? 

 Dreams and songs. The damn song is still repeating in my head over n over again.

U can run, u can hide, but u can't escape my love.

The damn song. Well there's no love to escape from. That's a fact.

در این شکی نیست. من شب رو بیشتر از روز دوست دارم. تاریکی رو بیشتر از روشنایی دوست دارم. اینکه ماشین رو برداری و بیافتی توی خیابون و شهر ساکت رو بالا پاییین کنی رو بیشتر از خیابونهای شلوغ روز دوست دارم. اینکه بندازی توی جاده ی تاریک که ته اش رو نمیبینی و همینطوری توی دل سیاهی پیش بری رو بیشتر دوست دارم. نور زرد ترهای چراغ برق و علامتهای خطر کنار جاده بیشتر از منظره های روز بهم میچسبه. صدای جیرجیرکهای شب خوان رو بیشتر از هر صدای دیگه ای دوست دارم. زندگی تو دل شب یه چیز دیگه ست. سیگاری که میکشی یه چیز دیگه ست. هر قلپ از نوشیدنیت یه مزه دیگه داره. هر نفس عمیق یه دنیاااااااا حرف با خودش داره. اره شب یه چیز دیگه ست. وقتی ادمای دیگه خوابن و تو بیداری و داری به جاشون زندگی میکنی.

شب آرامش بخشه. اروم و ساکت. درست همون چیزیه که من از زندگی میخوام. عادت دارم ۷ صبح بیدار بشم و شبم به موقع بخوابم اما پس لذتی که از شبا میبرم چی؟

به جاش از بعد از ظهر ها بدم میاد. صبح رو هم دوست دارم. طلوع قرمز رو دیدن رو دوست دارم. شب یکی از بهترین چیزهایی بود که توی این دنیا خلق شد. 

خب بزار بهت بگم. دفعه بعد یه تیشرت بپوش، یه شلوارک و یه سویشرت گشاد. سیگار و فندکت رو بزار توی جیبت و سوار ماشین شو. تو دل شب برو و برو و برو. بعد کنار یه جاده وایسا. یه جاده که یه جاده دیگه ارگز  پایینش میگذره. یا روی یه پل... یا هرچی. پیاده شو و به میله ها تکیه بده و سیگارت رو دود کن. صدای ماشینهای گه گدار گذری که معلوم نیست کجا میرن. نور چراغها. خنک بودن میله و سکوت. 

مگه زندگی همین نیست؟

زندگی همینه. لحظه های کوچیکی که تو دلمون میگیم اخیش. لحظه های کوچیکی بلاخره اروم میشیم. لحظه های کوچیکی که زود میگذرن اما میشه همونجا هرچی بار اضافه روی دوشت داری رو بذاری و بری. بذارش گوشه همون جاده و برو. 

بزار یه چیزی بهت بگم. ما تا لحظه مرگمون نمیفهمین چطور ادمی بودیم و هستیم. فقط وقتی مرگ میاد جلوی چشمت متوجه میشی واقعا چه ادمی بودی. خب، من خودم رو دیدم. و چقدر با ادمی که فکر میکردم باشم فرق داشت. 

شب یه چیز دیگه ست. توی شب نمیتونی فکر نکنی. نمیتونی هر چیز واقعی رو حس نکنی. شاید راست میگن. بعد از دو شب مستقیم برو توی تخت و بخواب چون تصمیم هایی که میگیری به درد زندگی روز نمیخوره. چون تصمیم هایی که توی شب میگیری خیلی واقعی از تو و عرضه و توان و جرئت توء. 

اما هر کسی این رو نمیفهمه. تا وقتی نیاد نمیفهمی. تا وقتی نره نمیفهمی. 

فقط میدونم هیچی بدون دلیل اتفاق نمی افته. اگه من هستم معنیش اینه که باید باشم. معنیش اینه که هنوز وقتش نشده خودم رو کنار جاده با بقیه چیزهایی که ول گردم ول کنم و برم. معنیش اینه که هنوز ته این جاده یه راهی هست که من باید ازش بگذرم و یه جایی که توش وایستم و سیگارم رو دود کنم و به صدای جیرجیرکها گوش بدم. معنیش اینه که هنوز میتونم یه ادم دیگه باشم، معمیش اینه که وقتی وقش برسه میتونم خود واقعیم رو ببینم، اونطوری که هستم.

معنیش اینه که هنوز یه شب دیگه هست و هنوز منی هست که به جای تمام کسایی که خوابن توی شب زندگی کنه.

Nothing happens without a reason, ha?

Friday's finally here.

But I believe in yesterday.