I'm not good at all. Everything gives me a massive panic attack n I'm utterly frustrated. Everyday, I meet a new "case" good ones, all PHD, all jlive abroad, all sophisticated. And everytime a new one is introduced I follow the same procedure! I talk to them, I avoid making calls, I make the conversation short, then make some work thing to leave n turn my net off, then try to make them not like me. N the whole time, I am afraid, wot if this one goes to next level? Wot if it gets serious n I still feel nothing? Wot if?

N the moment I cut them off, reject them, I feel empty, the bigger fear devours me, wot if I can never...? Till it goes to the next candidate.

Inam stuck in a fearfull panicy loup, I'm in constant panicking. I'm in despair. Everytime we have to get to know eachother, I wanna run away to HIM n his jerkness, I wanna hold him tight n never let go. Everytime one of these ppl text me, "can I call you", or "we must talk about basic then I come to Iran to see you", my heart pounds so hard of fear I feel I wanna die. I am crushing. It's too difficult, I wanna let everything go but they tell me I have done it for so long, I cannot waste any opportunity. I wanna stay in my safe zone n never go outta it again. But they challenge me n these chalenges, they are killing me. 

I guess, I am crushed inside. I was always good at dating n now it's like I'm impotent. I am impotent physically, emotionally, mentally. 

I tell myself, hey dont panic, listen to me! Just talk to him, if u liked him u talk more if u dont, just, u dont have to do anything but there is a five years old in me, that five years old when dad n I went to grandma one afternoon, n I watched dad doing sth in the yard and I fell sleep n woke up n saw dad was gone, cried, cried so hard, although grandma said that dad has gone to buy something, that he would come n take me home in a few minutes, although I knew he would come back for me, I sat there, wearing my jaket waited in the yard, staring at the door for him to come, I remember my heart pounded like this, sthe sky was getting dark and I was panicking like this back then. Just wanted dad to come. Granma was a stranger to me, her house was scary I wanted dad. N he came, n he bought me a hat, a pink hat, a pink winter hat n put it on my head n I loved it n he hugged me n took me home.

I'm that scared now dad, where are u?