Everything changes after death, people's face, their body. The very body that a moment ago you knew, you loved, after death becomes an stranger. And that is the strangest form of disconnection. Suddenly it blongs to a real you don and visa versa. You stand there gazing through the body that is still warm with life but the coldness has already spread to your heart. How indifferent they are. 

Dead bodies are like chairs, like the window you look through and see nothing. They are like walls, the walls, cold walls you touch and they are stiff. Something leaves them, I dont know what it is, I dont know whether it is tge soul or merely life that leaves them, but you realise it is gone. And sll is left is this body that very scarily, isn't familiar anymore. 

I look at my hands and my moving playful fingers and I imagine the day they look strange to people who were touched by them. I think this is the tragedy of mankind, the very fingers who touch you and then stay still and make you wonder...

Hey dare etefaghe asab khord kon miofte ha, I'm losing my bloody control.

Long time no talk.

Yeah! Let's keep it that way!

"Dad would light a candle and hold it under his chin to show me how the human face becomes a mask of evil with the right kind lighting." Toltz

It's wrong. No, it's not wrong, it's a mistake. 

People are disappointing after all.

There are betrayals in war that are childlike compared with our human betrayals during peace.

O blimey! Wot a nightmare last night was! 

I'm not good at all. Everything gives me a massive panic attack n I'm utterly frustrated. Everyday, I meet a new "case" good ones, all PHD, all jlive abroad, all sophisticated. And everytime a new one is introduced I follow the same procedure! I talk to them, I avoid making calls, I make the conversation short, then make some work thing to leave n turn my net off, then try to make them not like me. N the whole time, I am afraid, wot if this one goes to next level? Wot if it gets serious n I still feel nothing? Wot if?

N the moment I cut them off, reject them, I feel empty, the bigger fear devours me, wot if I can never...? Till it goes to the next candidate.

Inam stuck in a fearfull panicy loup, I'm in constant panicking. I'm in despair. Everytime we have to get to know eachother, I wanna run away to HIM n his jerkness, I wanna hold him tight n never let go. Everytime one of these ppl text me, "can I call you", or "we must talk about basic then I come to Iran to see you", my heart pounds so hard of fear I feel I wanna die. I am crushing. It's too difficult, I wanna let everything go but they tell me I have done it for so long, I cannot waste any opportunity. I wanna stay in my safe zone n never go outta it again. But they challenge me n these chalenges, they are killing me. 

I guess, I am crushed inside. I was always good at dating n now it's like I'm impotent. I am impotent physically, emotionally, mentally. 

I tell myself, hey dont panic, listen to me! Just talk to him, if u liked him u talk more if u dont, just, u dont have to do anything but there is a five years old in me, that five years old when dad n I went to grandma one afternoon, n I watched dad doing sth in the yard and I fell sleep n woke up n saw dad was gone, cried, cried so hard, although grandma said that dad has gone to buy something, that he would come n take me home in a few minutes, although I knew he would come back for me, I sat there, wearing my jaket waited in the yard, staring at the door for him to come, I remember my heart pounded like this, sthe sky was getting dark and I was panicking like this back then. Just wanted dad to come. Granma was a stranger to me, her house was scary I wanted dad. N he came, n he bought me a hat, a pink hat, a pink winter hat n put it on my head n I loved it n he hugged me n took me home.

I'm that scared now dad, where are u? 

Well, u do wot u've got to do!