I don't wanna know.

Hi!

So tired I can't even sleep.

Dear damn diary!

I'm dizzy! Maybe it's because of smoke or the drink or all these combined. I feel a heavy burden on my chest. Not figuratively, but really! It's because of all the smoke, I feel my longs have been fucked like hardcore. Well I have to go to my classes in the morning, and here I am, my mind is totally fucked.

Nope! There is a difference with what I used to do or be! My previous me would give a finger to all the classess and studies n wnt straightly to fun! Not me, I have studied well and have been prepare for my classes, have done my works for my new job annnnnd here I am fucking up my mind. Yes! Everything in its place and in I see the slightest of lousyness (which I cannot concentrate on tlremembering the corect diction) I will punch me in the face.

I'm fine. They say hear the truth of a drunk idiot and here I am drunk and idiot. And I say I am finnnnnnnnne. And I want to pee as well. :))))

But all jokes aside my life has been crazy and I need to back off a bit and do some crazy my self.

Owww can't wait till friday. They call me, I have to go. U too have fun.

I got bustly writing an essay on Naturalism and the wnt out with guys, to get those fucking thoughts out of my mind. Frankly I'm mad at my mind. 

I'm mad and tired at the same time. I wanna sleep but my foot are cold so I had to wear my sleepers in bed! I wont. I wont I wont I wont, I wont check out the dead's profiles, pates whatever the fuck is. I simply won't. I wont allow it. I dont want to. What is wrong with me? If my mind continues to think about it, I will punch me in the face and I will delet my social pages. I mean it. 😡😡😡

Damn you, control yourself or I will control you. You'e been pretty good, you havent checked it yet and you wont do that from now on too. Just keep doing that. Finished. Not joking. 

No! I wont let a kiss, a single good moment deceives me, tricks me to forget and deny the hell I was living in. No! At any cost I won't let it happen. I wont see the demon as a an angle just because he showed me a moment of fucking affection in the thousand levels of hell he put me in the first place. Screw him, screw his life, screw his memories, screw ecery single thing related to that certain dead person.

I just lost the control of my damn mind. It was reviewing a memory, I was that his place, I fell sleep on their coutch and he was at work. I woke up with his kiss.

No! Noooooooooo! I wont let a kiss, a single good moment deceives me, tricks me to forget and deny the hell I was living in. No! At any cost I won't let it happen. I wont see the demon as a an angle just because he showed me a moment of fucking affection in the thousand levels of hell he put me in the first place. Screw him, screw his life, screw his memories, screw every single thing related to that certain dead person.

Screw that kiss, screw who I was back then.

This is the meaning of satisfaction. 

Today, I mean tonight somebody asked me wether I have blocked a certain dead person on media apps or not and I simply said no. 

He asked why, and I said, "I don't want that certain person to be on my block lists, I dont want to see him everytime I go to my block lists. I dont want not a single bit of his presence not even in my block lists as a person!" 

He believed me coz I was convincing, I was convincing coz it's truth. I really don't care about that. I just go to my block lists too much often so I dont wanna see that fucking face everytime so instead of blocking that certain person I simply earsed it from every single place I could. Even my wild mind. 

Those who are dead, may never die again. :))))))

But seriously, dead are dead.

I'm alive, we are alive. 

Listening to music, it's cold and I'm under blanket and enjoy the cold weather of fall. Just smoke, what a pleasure. I love this song. 

We only said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times

You go back to her and I go back to...

Black black black black

I like this drive of shame of ours in the morning, with thongs, sweatpants, jumpers, in the wild air of the morning, coming back home. Actually the name I gave it can be wrong it's no shame at all! I dont know why they call 8t that or I called it that! Glorious return is as sophisticated as it sounds for the situation too. Anyway! To sleep or not to sleep that's the problem!

Oww btw, awesome awesome awesome night it was, soooo much fun and from now on, I can have as much as drink as I want.

😁

Tired tired tired. I had classes today, I have some tomorrow, I was out till now and I've got aloooohooooot to read to tomorrow morning class while I can easily sleep straightly for 12 hours so?

Yeah! Killing myself is the best option. Killing somebody else is better. 

And awwww! Is there anything? Can it be? There's maybe something. I wont talk about it till I'm sure.

I'm so tired I just want to sleep.

Today was so much fun indeed. We should do it more often.

Dear damn diary,

Hmmmm. It's a bit cold, I'm in my favourite hoody, under the warm blanket. I'm pretty warm and woke up like 2 hours ago but still not planning to get up. 😁😁

He went back last night n eeeeehhhh, well I'm just a little bit sad. 🙁 

I just coverd myself head to toe with the blancket, it's fucking cold. 😀😀

Okay. Let's start with mysrlf, I'm fine. My second loooong novel is going to finish soon. I had a big progress, but lately I was so busy I couldnt even touch it. So I should get back to the mood soon.

Speaking of writing, my first assignment in MA is actually to write a different Enging for Dash Akol story, by my dearest dearest Sadegh Hedayat. My professor is just like me, he loves Hedayat too. He adores him, so he told me to rewrite the ending the way I want and I said okay. Well let's get noisy abit, I think he kinda likes me! And frankly I like him too he has the dreamiest voice ever, I just want to get under a blanket and sit him beside me and force him to read for me every day long. Pooooor him. I'd kill him in a blink of eyes if he were mine! 😂😂😂😂

And speaking of the devil, the former sitting by my bed reading for me agent, SER. Textet me, well directed me on instagram to resune the game. 

Anyyyyyyyway! We are planning sth big, like big big!

Have loooooooot to study! I should get on with that, and MA, ohhh it's a hand ful job. 

Postdoctoral, are you kidding me? Post? And I'm still in MA. I should win the game. I will reach that point to! Yes.

I wanna go home. I wanna go home and sleep.

I'm not in the mood, not in the mood. Wanna go home. I'm tired and I dont onow a bit blue so I just want to go home, dinner, out, traffic, talkimg noooooooooooo. No. I wanted to get out of the car now and just go home under my blanket and sleep.

I dont wanna smoke, I dont need a dring, I dont want a hug, or a kiss! I want nothing but a dreamless sleep. But I cannot, can I?

I wanna be free..

O dear me,

I dont know what is it today, I normally wake up and start my day without being sentimental but I guess sometimes I let th8ngs come in unwelcomed. I just may have been feeling missing some dead elements but well I'm not allowed to let such feelings come in. 

The damn traffic is boring me awfully. This noisy crowd city!

Anyway time to close the gates and get busy my terribly busy day.

Morning!

I've been busy. It's the first day I can rest a bit n the last few days.

Well we always carry hidden scars dont we? We shall conceal them as far as we can. We shall forget the soft skin before tht wound and the pain it caused us so it's all far gone. The scar remains and we try to forget their existence, we live.

Nothing special! If u ask why I'm saying such horrible but true story in such early hour, yet it crossed my mind for an instant.

What else? It's nice to be someone's wife.

Dear damn diary,

I'm exhausted tooooooooo muuuuuuch tooooooo doooooooo

Keep on. Keep on. Pain is good, exhaustion is good. It means I'm alive and I have strength to fuck my enemies right in their fucking eye!

Yeah. Back to a high functioning sociopath method. :)))))

Btw, I feel pretty fabulous inside, which that even scares me! Normally I shouldnt be this happy. But as they say, there's nothing such as normality so fuck being normal.

Okay, I'm back and I have come back big.

Dear God. It's amazing and scaryyyyyyy.

I'm gonna pregnant this mother fucking. Lovely. Lovely and fucking scary. 

Cheers to my very first MA. Class.