We do are failures, not even gonna question that. Call me a shallow but aren't we design to fail and fail and fail to get failed once more at the end of the day?

I have lost count the numbers I failed. I failed peope I loved, I failed people I hate, I failed life and above all I mever seized to fail myself. 

I am tired, I don't know how many times I have written these three words in the course of past 10 years in here. But I queas, it's alot.

It's different though. I look around and I am rootless, I am mindless, faceless, thoughtless, I have nothing. Not even my words, they have left my side and now I am uaing words belong to others. 

How can u exist yet never be? How can u be and never exist. I belong with the shadows, the shadows covered me since I was born. I can remember, lately I cam remember myself as a baby. I can remember the frustration and I can remember thinking like I do back then. How old was I? Days? No memory should exist but I have memories of the same shadows covering ke now.

I knew it, didn't I? I never could live a normal life. I am one of those, called lost souls, however, there is no soul. They just cannot find any other suitable word to fill the shalowness of the thing we are.

How can u be a self-centred when there is no center in ur life whatsoever? I am thinking about death and the opportunity of not committing to the natural course of life. I am thinking about all the times I felt lost and ignored it or fed it till I wanted to be gone forever. 

Look for a reason to carry on, they say. I am bitter, I am resentful, I am empty. There is a curse on me, a strong one, an unbrokable one. I am the curse myself. Wot a moron. They said go on and I did so. They said atop n I still went on.

I feel my existence doesn't fit my body or my life. Both r in constant torment n I am responsible for this neverending agony. 

Life doesn't suit me. Nothing does.

Blue. The affection for somebody who is too much like you is what makes you a sick minded person and the affection for somebody who is least like you makes a moron out of you. 

Affection should be the least wanted emotion in sane species. Is there anything like that?

Have I changed? I don't think so. I am in the spring of thirties and I feel like never before. Am I stable? No. Am I thqt philosophical I was once? Neh.

It's simpler but not easier. Simpler yet more complicated. I am becoming more me and that really scares me, bcs more me means more of what I can call undesirable living.

Yes, I still carry a heavy burden of doubt and I feed it n I am being fed by it. Mutual misery, I believe I still am pretty good at nonsensical episodes. 

I am still here. Who would believe it? For somebody who took a knife at five years old to kill herself without knowing the concept of death, I have shown an uncanny resistance to die. It always happens when u least want it. And that's life, it takes away ur courage, it takes away the novelty of being a madman n it forces you into an Stockholm syndrome, and when u want it most it takes away everything. I have never been this much afraid of death before and yet I feel I can welcome it.

No free will in here. It's it the most animalistic feature? No free will here. I wish I could care less and more. 

I didn't write on mom's funeral day this year, why? I don't know she is long gone, n I am long gone. I have been detached from myself. My life is no life, believe me, this cannot be a simple life, my mind is the scariest thing developed in history of living heings. Things it can do, places it can go. Once I was a child, a bright peculiar child who could be different, and now it is me.

A half eaten rotting sandwich on the counter waiting for trashbin. I am half eaten. My mind ate me alive n nobody ever accused ot of being a cannibal. That's they r. Eating flesh is much more decent than eating every fiber of being. Soul? No. I do not believe is souls. We are soulless, we only cannot find a better word for the complexity our mind made while our bodies were not ready for it.

Mind is so comprehensive yest soooooooo stupid that even it, cannot comprehend itself and that makes wretched beings of us all.

The past is blurry, and the more I go the more transparent I become, no not in that pure sense. More like a lost thing. I mever wanted to be found. I always knew I am lost, I just wanted to forget abt it.

How can u be lost n not remember it? I did it, I became rootless. No roots for me, cut them off. You don't deserve a root. I am still a moron, not a surprise! My mond is rotten. Everything makes sense.

My fucked up existence makes sense. I am being torn apart between a mimd bigger than a universe and a child who stupidly can grow fond of a simple noce word. What a wretched sould am I! It makes me smile. 

Aren't we all like this? I want to sleep and wake up a moron.

Long time no see dear old blog!